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EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Minutes of PM’s Cabinet Review Meeting

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Minutes of PM’s Cabinet Review Meeting

Prime Minister Imran Khan held a special meeting to review the performance of his Cabinet over the first 100 days. We have managed to get our hands on an excerpt of the minutes of the meeting which is as follows:

Date: October 10, 2018

Prime Minister Imran Khan opens the meeting with another cricketing metaphor which as usual, no one understands. Fawad Chaudhary mumbles an inappropriate joke and goes back to sexting. Correction. Texting. A Cabinet member points out that dollar has further slid in the open market at which PM responds with his trademark slogan “Tabdeeli aa nahi rahi hai tabdeeli aa gai hai”. At the far end of the table, Asad Omar turns a deep shade of crimson and slids further down his chair. PM then proceeds to individually grill each Cabinet member on their performance.

Imran Khan: Ji Pervaiz Sahab. What is the update?

Minister of Defence Pervaiz Khattak: Sir I swear. No Defence Minister in history has been as subservient to the army as I have. I have not made a single press statement but just let the COAS make the statements on behalf of the govt as well. Not only do I carry COAS’s suitcase everywhere he goes, I also wake up at 4 every morning to lick his boots clean.

PM: Zabardast. Phir to next election bhi victory guaranteed hai.

He then turns to the rest of the Cabinet and smiles victoriously

PM: See this? You thought I was a fool to say elections could happen early. This is why. As long as Pervaiz continues to lick COAS’s boots, we are guranteed to win every election.

He turns back to the rest of the Cabinet as they fidget in their seats, none daring to look him in the eye. PM turns to Railways Minister Sheikh Rasheed.

PM: Haan bhai mere cheete. Bare charche hain aap ki Ministry ke.

Sheikh Rashid: Kaptaan. Hum ne December ke first week mein record Rs 453 m revenue touch kiya. Par yeh chorein. Sab se eham baat. Hum ne purani trainon ka naam change kar ke inhe naya declare kar diya. Jaisa Naya Pakistan. Waisi hi nayi trains.

PM laughs appreciatively and pats him on the back.

Sheikh Rashid: Mein to kehta hoon Information Ministry bhi mujhe de dein. Phir dekhien kaise mein logon ko bewakoof banata hoon.

Fawad Chaudhary stands up in a rage and mutters a few profanities.

Sheikh Rashid: Yeh to mera chota bhai hai. Hamara mazaaq to chalta rehta hai. Haan bhai. Tu bata. Kaisa banaya logon ko?

Fawad Chaudhary looks in the mirror at the far corner of the room and smiles appreciatively in self-admiration.

Fawad Chaudhary: PM you will be pleased to know that I have fulfilled all our 100 day targets. I uttered at least 10 profanities every hour of the day and I continued to insist that helicopter is the cheapest mode of transport. In fact, I hired an assistant who stays up all night making crank calls to the opposition and media and abusing them on my behalf. I spread so much misinformation, that Donald Trump himself called me to ask a tip or two on spreading fake news.

PM: Excellent! Excellent! Who’s next?

Human Rights Minister Shireen Mazari gets up, puts both hands on the table and winks at the PM.

PM: Human Rights. Very important portfolio. Please go on.

Shireen Mazari: Donald Trump ko insult karne wali tweet kisne likhi thi?

PM looks abashed at getting caught and mumbles: Very good. Very good.

He points to Punjab CM Usman Buzdaar who is sitting directly in his line of sight.

Usman Buzdaar looks at a loss of words and turns helplessly left and right but finds no aide to whisper in his ears. After a long pause he finally mumbles.

Usmaan Buzdaar: Sir main pasmaanda ilaaqe sein hoon.

PM starts applauding and exclaims: Yeh hoti hai tabdeeli. Kaha tha naa yeh mera Wasim Akram hai.

The rest of the Cabinet joins in the applause. Once the applause dies down, PM turns towards Finance Minister Asad Omar who seems to be trying his best to disappear into thin air.

PM: Ji Asad Omar. Economy ke kiya haal hain?

Asad Omar: Hum ne tabdeeli ka waada kiya tha lekin itini tabdeeli ho jae gi, is ki to hum tawaqqa hi nahi kar sakte the. Dollar 140 se oopar chala gaya aur humein pata bhi nahi chala. Inflation aesi ke qeematein roz baroz barhti, mera matlab, tabdeel hoti hain. Electricity ki qeemton mein bhi waise he tabdeeli aur qarz ka to naa hi pooochein. Aur to aur. Mein roz IMF pe aik naya U Turn leta hoon.

The entire Cabinet bursts into spontaneous applause. PM Imran Khan exclaims ““Tabdeeli aa nahi rahi hai tabdeeli aa gai hai”. Someone turns on the music and Shireen Mazari jumps on top of the table and starts dancing to the music. Fawad Chaudary makes another inappropriate remark directed at the Human Rights Minister. Shireen Mazari jumps off the table and rushes towards Fawad Chaudhary while the other ministers try to keep them apart.

Imran Khan looks on at the ruckus with pride as his eyes begin to moist. Just like the container days. He thinks.

Note: This is a piece of satire and is not meant to be taken literally. 

Cartoon Credits: Sabir Nazar – Samaa TV